Editor’s Note: Honestly, I hate this post.  It’s fragmented and disorganized.  Unclear, pointless, wishy-washy, and uninteresting.  Sometimes this happens when I have too much to say and mish mash it all together.  In this case though – Oh, well.  I have a date with a vacuum.

One of the big jobs today is throwing out some old sofa cushions, mats, and foam that we’ve been using as a gym mat for Carolyn.  I’ve wanted to buy a gymnastics mat for Carolyn for about six years.  I think of it every birthday and every Christmas, and every time we start a new school year.  I feel pathetic admitting it; why haven’t I just gone ahead and gotten one?

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Indecision?  Fear?  Some sort of complicated emotional entanglement?  I have no idea.    This is what I know:

1. I get the idea to buy a gymnastics mat for Carolyn to go underneath her swing/rope/ladder device.

2. I look at the types of mats – online or at the gym and consider the pros and cons of each.  I gather information.

3. I can’t decide.

4. I postpone the decision.

But finally, after six years, we – I? – somebody – have a gym mat on the way.  This week I’ve been working hard on a number of areas, but this one holds a special carrot.  Knowing that I’l be able to place that gym mat on a clean floor and say, “I did this.  I made a plan, I worked, and I did it.”  It’ll be easier to clean, look nicer, and be easier to walk around or past.  Although we did order red, which contrasts with our green-and-blue room. Does this sabotage the whole effort?  I have no idea.  It’s too depressing to think seriously about it.  At least I’m not getting the four-colored rainbow one.

Red.  “It is often the color worn by brides in the East while it is the color of mourning in South Africa. In Russia the Bolsheviks used a red flag when they overthrew the Tsar … Use red when you don’t want to sink into the background.”  Oh, dear.  Mistake?  Overthinking it?  Just grateful a freakin’ mat is arriving?

As I said, it’s too depressing to even think about it.  Just have to trust that somehow my life will turn out ok with a red mat, without me trying to control it.

It does not come easily for me, but I am learning.