August 2013


Editor’s Note: Honestly, I hate this post.  It’s fragmented and disorganized.  Unclear, pointless, wishy-washy, and uninteresting.  Sometimes this happens when I have too much to say and mish mash it all together.  In this case though – Oh, well.  I have a date with a vacuum.

One of the big jobs today is throwing out some old sofa cushions, mats, and foam that we’ve been using as a gym mat for Carolyn.  I’ve wanted to buy a gymnastics mat for Carolyn for about six years.  I think of it every birthday and every Christmas, and every time we start a new school year.  I feel pathetic admitting it; why haven’t I just gone ahead and gotten one?

Image

Indecision?  Fear?  Some sort of complicated emotional entanglement?  I have no idea.    This is what I know:

1. I get the idea to buy a gymnastics mat for Carolyn to go underneath her swing/rope/ladder device.

2. I look at the types of mats – online or at the gym and consider the pros and cons of each.  I gather information.

3. I can’t decide.

4. I postpone the decision.

But finally, after six years, we – I? – somebody – have a gym mat on the way.  This week I’ve been working hard on a number of areas, but this one holds a special carrot.  Knowing that I’l be able to place that gym mat on a clean floor and say, “I did this.  I made a plan, I worked, and I did it.”  It’ll be easier to clean, look nicer, and be easier to walk around or past.  Although we did order red, which contrasts with our green-and-blue room. Does this sabotage the whole effort?  I have no idea.  It’s too depressing to think seriously about it.  At least I’m not getting the four-colored rainbow one.

Red.  “It is often the color worn by brides in the East while it is the color of mourning in South Africa. In Russia the Bolsheviks used a red flag when they overthrew the Tsar … Use red when you don’t want to sink into the background.”  Oh, dear.  Mistake?  Overthinking it?  Just grateful a freakin’ mat is arriving?

As I said, it’s too depressing to even think about it.  Just have to trust that somehow my life will turn out ok with a red mat, without me trying to control it.

It does not come easily for me, but I am learning.

For no particular reason, Carolyn and I decided that this morning is the time to start our blog. We’ve been talking about it every now and then for a while. Our idea is that if we have to clean up the house, we could make it a little more fun (or something) by making a blog about it.

Carolyn told me just now that her reason for wanting to clean the house was so that she can make videos. Whenever she wants to make a video (which she loves to do), I groan and complain because I don’t want her showing any of the clutter in the house.

That got me started thinking about why I want to clean the house. My first answers were easy – so that I can have more space for people, so that I can find things, so that I can have space to do things, because it’s embarassing. It’s true, I want to have a clean table so I can make costumes, and I want to be able to walk around without feeling like I am navigating a maze.

But then Carolyn and I have an argument about whether we are going to start the blog this morning, and I realize the #1 reason I want to clean the house. I don’t want the house to keep getting in the way of my relationship wtih Carolyn. I want to be able to do reader’s theatre with her without realizing that we can’t find a space to do it. I want to be able to have our science supplies available and a clean, washable table so we can study things with her magnifying glass or make mixtures. Play games. Run simulations. Wrap ourselves up in scarves and pretend we are mitochondria – are those the ones with the little fibers? Play music and dance – at least on the days I can dance. Because I have issues with my back. Intense pain sometimes. I’m supposed to avoid hurting it, and sometimes it feels like that itself is going to kill me: having to be still and inactive, and feeling useless.

———